Inhibited Ejaculation. Managing Early Ejaculation
Managing early ejaculation
Inhibited ejaculation. Fortunately, improved ejaculatory control is relatively easy to learn. To retrain your responses, it is often helpful to practice what is known as a stop:start technique. Using this method, you masturbate to a high state of arousal, close to the point of inevitability, and then stop. After waiting a short while, possibly allowing your erection to diminish a little, masturbation begins again – once again stopping just before the point of inevitability. This process can be repeated three or four times before allowing yourself to climax.
This is a very simple process, but takes some mastering. Most men find it difficult to recognize the point of inevitability at first and have accidents, when they ejaculate unexpectedly. You probably need to change the way you masturbate from a quick, reflexive method, which you know will produce results, to a much slower, more languorous method. Handling your penis more gently, and really tuning in to the feelings this produces, will eventually help you to recognize the point of inevitability and develop more control.
To begin with, this slower approach can be so pleasurable that you ejaculate even sooner, but eventually you will start noticing the point of no return and be able to stop before you reach it. Once you feel confident that you have mastered the technique, you can start to try it out with your partner. Agree a signal which tells your partner to stop stimulating you and proceed as you did while masturbating. Again, a slower, more sensual approach may make it easier to recognize the point of inevitability and give the stop signal well in time. Experiment with manual and oral stimulation and expect to have some accidents. Eventually, you should be ready to try the stop:start technique during intercourse.
Stop:start and vaginal intercourse
If you habitually orgasm as soon as your penis is near the vulva area, use the stop:start process while touching the vulva with your penis. As your control improves, you or your partner can stimulate the vulva and clitoral area with your penis and become used to the sensations this produces. Finally, place the penis at the vaginal entrance – but don’t penetrate until you are sure you recognize the point of inevitability in this position.
It then often works well to begin penetration by just allowing the penis to rest in the vagina after insertion, without any thrusting or movement of your partner’s pelvic floor at all. Once your penis is used to being inside the vagina, movement can begin, with the same signal for your partner to stop when you are close to the point of inevitability. Allowing your partner to control penetration from above may also be a good way to get started. As your control improves, you should both have a great sense of achievement.
Stop:start and anal sex
A similar process works for anal sex but needs to incorporate condom use, plenty of lube and preparation for the receiving anus. Resting the penis inside the anus after initial penetration is always a good idea, to give it time to relax and accommodate the penis before thrusting begins .
These stop:start techniques require you to be relaxed and unhurried so should not be attempted when you are busy or stressed. Rather than planning the process themselves, many couples find it useful to seek the guidance of a psycho sexual therapist – though rest assured that all exercises are done in private, not in the therapist’s presence.
Savouring the experience
Mindfulness exercises are very helpful in developing an ability to focus on the here and now and really savoir the experience of the moment. This can help tremendously to develop your awareness of arousal and your enjoyment, and lead to the all-important identification of your point of inevitability. This is vital as it is thought that many early ejaculators may even climax before they have reached full arousal.
It may also help to deal with intrusive thoughts, including worry about climaxing early. The pharmacology industry is still struggling to find a drug which cures early ejaculation effectively. This may be because there are so many possible causes. However, some antidepressants (SSRIs) do slow down ejaculation and have been used to treat early ejaculation very effectively.
Difficulty climaxing in men
Unfortunately, for some men, rapid ejaculation would be welcome, as they have great difficulty in climaxing. The technical terms which may be applied to difficulty associated with climaxing include inhibited, retarded or delayed ejaculation and male orgasmic disorder. This usually refers to problems attaining orgasm during intercourse or with a partner, as the issue may not be associated with masturbation.
It can happen occasionally to anyone and would rarely be seen as a difficulty unless either or both partners were concerned by it and ejaculation had been regularly absent for a period of months. Rarely, some men do climax without ejaculating. This is usually caused by nerve damage that can result from conditions such as diabetes or as a result of surgery. Retrograde ejaculation, when the seminal fluid is released backwards into the bladder, can follow prostate surgery.
Occasional inability to orgasm or ejaculate is often associated with stress, too much alcohol, some recreational drugs, tiredness or lack of desire for any reason. Often, men have a sufficient erection for penetration but they don’t actually feel very aroused. Hormonal imbalances, some prescribed drugs – including antidepressants – alcohol and substance misuse can also interfere with the ability to ejaculate in the longer term, though these would generally affect ejaculation from masturbation as well as intercourse.
Pain during intercourse can influence the development of inhibited ejaculation, but in many men there are thought to be more psychological reasons. It can begin to occur during periods of stress when you have difficulty in relaxing. It can happen to any man at any time, out of the blue. However, some studies have shown that men who have difficulty in climaxing have sometimes had very little partnered sexual experience, which leads to a lack of confidence and performance anxiety. You may find it difficult to explain your feelings to your partner, so you don’t get the reassurance you need to relax enough to orgasm. The more you care about your partner, the more difficult it may be to climax, as you are so concerned about performing well.
Sometimes, partners comment favorably on a man’s ability to keep going without climaxing and this positive reinforcement may then make ejaculation seem like failure. Indeed, some men like being unable to climax and don’t see it as a problem. It may be that the hormones produced during arousal cause feelings of well-being which also reinforce this idea. Moreover, the combination of inadequate sex education and lack of experience lead some men with inhibited ejaculation to have unrealistic expectations of sex and how long they should be able to ‘last’ before climaxing.
Training themselves not to climax may ultimately lead to difficulty in ejaculating, particularly with a partner, and especially if they also have the idea that ejaculating into their partner is dirty or unwelcome. Some men lose their erection during intercourse, as they run out of energy. Some problems with ejaculation begin in adolescence, particularly for boys who have shared bedrooms or dormitories. Fear of being discovered masturbating leads some boys to try to control ejaculation. Some squeeze their penis as they climax so that the ejaculate seeps out, rather than spurting, and this seepage effect can become habitual.
Because this is unusual, orgasm may be avoided while with a partner, though this may not be a conscious decision. Trying to orgasm quickly before discovery leads many boys to develop an excellent technique, involving a firm grip and rapid manipulation. Sex with partners is then rarely as effective and may be disappointing. In straight couples, this issue may only begin after a partner has had a baby and her vagina feels less tight. Experimenting with different positions may alleviate this somewhat. Entering from behind, with the woman’s legs together, may provide a snug effect, for instance, particularly when lying side to side.
However, you may be one of many men who are reluctant to discuss your needs in case you hurt your partner’s feelings, or you may feel you shouldn’t bother your partner with what you see as just your problem. However, in common with all sexual problems, this is a shared issue. Until your partner understands you feel there is a difficulty, they won’t be able to help or reassure you. Sometimes, it can be such a relief that your partner knows how you feel that this alone is enough to start making things better.
Using a lot of pornography can also lead to ejaculatory issues, especially if you have difficulty in fantasizing while with your partner. It isn’t just that the idealized images from porn give an unrealistic idea of partnered sex, though this can undoubtedly happen, but the quick route to arousal and orgasm offered by visual images trains the brain to need this stimuli.
Coupled with the perfect masturbatory technique, it is no wonder that porn users often find sex with their partners unsatisfactory. There is more about this in Chapter Eight . Feeling that fantasy during sex with their partner is some kind of betrayal prevents some men from using it to help arouse them. As the section on fantasy explains , this is not the case. On the contrary, as the end result is satisfying sex with your partner, it is to be encouraged.
If you are the partner , you may have experienced a mixture of emotions about this. You may feel that your partner would climax if you were more attractive, for instance, or you may feel you should be doing more to excite him. But, as we have seen, there are numerous causes for inhibited ejaculation which have nothing to do with desire or attraction. A very common trigger is a single incident of difficulty with ejaculation, often due to tiredness or heavy drinking, which worries the man enough to cause longer-term performance anxiety.
There tend to be general expectations that men should ‘last’ during intercourse – but not too long. As the duration of most penetrative lovemaking is only about two or three minutes, a long delay in climaxing is likely to be noticeable. However, there is also a general expectation that women’s attempts to orgasm may be protracted, and that this should be tolerated. Bearing this in mind, women with partners who are slow to climax should try not to criticize, as this will only increase anxiety.
The Relate Guide To Sex And Intimacy
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