Thursday, 15 Nov 2018

Real Life Sex Experience

Real Life Sex Experience

MARIANNE, The Netherlands

It is not easy, but I decided to share my sex experience. There are two sides to my feelings about orgasm. The first side was fear. And anger, because somebody was going to hurt me. So I did not want to feel it. Because in the end or in the beginning, there was always pain. But later on, I found another side, the side when you choose to feel an orgasm. And that is a whole different story. So I still have both in me, because although the little child with all her experience is still inside me, I have also found the grown-up woman who now knows that she can say no, can choose her own path, can feel what she wants to feel. That is the key factor in it for me: that I know I can choose to have an orgasm, and if I don not want to, I can say no. And I now know that people will listen to me or if they do not, then I can stand up for myself. It is really a choice for me. But I want you to know about my sex experience. Maybe it will help someone… 

Real Life Sex Experience - photo 1

Real Life Sex Experience

Trying to remember my first sex experience and orgasm is difficult. Because I think that when I was very young, around seven or eight, I had some feelings which I would say were a kind of orgasm. But at that time, I did not know what it was. I knew it felt right in the situation, but the situation was not right. So it was difficult, because my dad did something, and at one point a whole nice feeling from my legs was coming all over me, and I was almost happy in a situation where I couldn’t be happy. So I did not know what to make of it. And now, when I look back, I know that this was the first time I felt it. I was lying. And my dad was doing something with his fingers. He was going in and out; it was not the first time he did that. But I think that when somebody is angry, the person does it with force. And then it hurts, so that is not good. But at that moment, he was nicer. He was sweeter, almost. And he did it more gently.

Real Life Sex Experience - photo 2

Real Life Sex Experience

And that was the difference: this thing usually hurt, but at that moment, it did not hurt, it was a good feeling. It felt fine, but I did not understand it. I thought I couldn’t have a nice feeling, because what my father did was not good. So the feeling was mostly good, although I did not completely let it happen. I was an object and was used to arouse the feelings of somebody else. For he never asked, Do you like it? Am I hurting you? It was as though I did not exist, as though I had to do what I was told to do. So it was always not loving, and I knew that yelling and hitting are not good. If I were to do that to a child at school, somebody would protest. So this I knew: that pain was not good. This sex experience drives me crazy… I do not know what to do.

Real Life Sex Experience - photo 3

Real Life Sex Experience

It was difficult, because my father was somebody who could switch quite suddenly. He could be enjoying the sun, and then suddenly I laid a book down in a way he did not want me to, and then he got very angry and was hitting and yelling, and sent me to my room, or whatever. There was always the fear that this moment would come. Even in the midst of a kind of joy, there still was always the fear, Oh my God, with every breath I take, he can change his mind and get angry again. So I was not able to relax as a child. I was always on the alert and in fear. Always fear. So the orgasm and sex experience were a kind of escape from all of that.

Real Life Sex Experience - photo 4

Real Life Sex Experience

But I did not dare to really enjoy it. That was not only the case with orgasm and sex experience. It was that way with all happy feelings. I was always afraid that somebody would snatch them from me. My dad always said, You are not allowed to be happy. Maybe when I was happy, it reminded him that he wanted to be happy, too, but he did not know how. I do not know. Every day, he always told me that I was a mistake and that it would have been better if I had not been born. That I was getting in his way, always getting in his way. I know that one day when I was about eight years old, I overheard him and my mother arguing upstairs, on the second floor. And my mother was crying. My mother was not allowed to cry, because crying was for weak people, not for strong people.

Real Life Sex Experience - photo 5

Real Life Sex Experience

But at that moment, they had a really terrible argument, and I heard my mother crying. And she yelled she never yelled and then she walked out the door and ran up the stairs to the attic, really crying, and I had never heard my mama crying. So I went upstairs, and I shouted at my father, well, hit me, hit me! I do not care! But do not you talk to my mom like that! I do not want it! It was the first time that I said something like that, that I stood up. But inside, I was so afraid! It was only that one moment. My mom was suffering, and I couldn’t bear to see it. And something welled up in me, some kind of force that made me stand up. The strange thing was that my father did not hit me. I could have said then, well, now I know that if I stand up for myself, maybe he wont hurt me. But I couldn’t trust in that. So I never really stood up against my father after that moment. I kept on living in fear.

Real Life Sex Experience - photo 6

Real Life Sex Experience

Deciding which orgasm was my strongest is a difficult question for me, because every time I had an orgasm and sex experience with a different man, it was always special. Each sex experience and orgasm felt very strong, from varying points of view. I think the knowledge that I had made the choice to have one made me feel very happy, or very strong. And I really wanted to go down deep and give myself to somebody. I wanted to feel that orgasm and open up, which I had not been able to do before because of all the pain from my childhood. I can remember a few orgasms and sex experience I would say were very strong and made me very happy, made me feel like a woman. There was the first time that a man did something and I said, I had been feeling something wonderful, and then he did something that made this feeling go away. And normally, up to that point, I would not have said anything; I would have just laid there.

Real Life Sex Experience - photo 7

Real Life Sex Experience

And at that moment, I said, I do not like that. And he listened; he did what I said. And that made the orgasm at that moment so intense and so strong. That is why I remember it as one of the first when I was 18 or 20. And later on, there were a few. For instance, I had for one year a relationship with a married man. He was the first man who said, every day of the year that I was with him, how beautiful I was. And I was totally overweight. I did not like myself, and I did not like my body. And every day he told me, no matter what happened, no matter how I looked, that I was beautiful. So at every moment while I was with him, I really felt it. I began to feel that I was beautiful. So when I had an orgasm, I felt it in every cell of my body, because I tried to allow myself to think, he is right! I want to feel what he sees. I want to feel it, too. So that was also very strong, from that point of view.

Real Life Sex Experience - photo 8

Real Life Sex Experience

Later on, I think three years ago or so, I met a guy, we saw each other, we had never met before and from the first second, we knew we wanted to be together; we needed to be together, right away. So it went from meeting to very quickly seeing each other, being together, doing everything. And the sex with him was very, very intense. He felt safe; he felt almost like home. I was able to give myself to him completely. With the married man, I also gave myself 100 percent, as far as I was able to at that time. And with this man, it deepened. I think there is still more for me to explore in the depth of feeling it. Every time, I went a little bit deeper. And every time, it was the strongest at that particular moment. So an orgasm for me is opening up: it is feeling safe enough to let myself go completely into all the excitement, enjoyment, and the feeling of passion, without any feelings of not being safe, of being ashamed, of asking myself what he would want or not want, but rather of being myself completely that is it. That is the key for me: if I feel safe, I can give myself completely. It was a wonderful sex experience, sex experience which I will never forget. 

Real Life Sex Experience - photo 9

Real Life Sex Experience

But if I do not feel safe, then I am blocked. Feeling safe means that the person I am with respects everything that I am feeling, and what I want and do not want that he respects me with all my wishes and feelings. If somebody would want something from me, if somebody had some visions of how I should be, of what I should do, that would not be good, that would not be safe. It would only be safe when I could feel that no and yes would both be good. If he asks me, and I say, Yes, I would like to change for you, or dress like that would also be good. And if I were to say, from the core from my being, I can not or I wont that would also be OK, because he wants me to be who I am, to feel what makes me happy and not just what makes him happy. Then it is safe. If somebody gives me room to be me with everything, with pain and pleasure all at once.

Real Life Sex Experience - photo 10

Real Life Sex Experience

Love, for me, is respecting each other in every way, and not judging or expecting the other person to do something, without being disappointed or judging the other person if he or she wont do what has been asked. Because the only possible thing is to be honest from the bottom of your heart. And when you are honest, I think you give the utmost of who you are to somebody. If you say no, a real no, then it means more than a fake yes. That is what I would like to share with somebody. Of course, it goes both ways. I do have fantasies when I create orgasms and sex experience, and I think about everything I missed as a child. About warm and loving environments, somebody who really sees me for who I am somebody who really wants to be with me. Not for the sake of something else, but for me. When I feel the softness, the loveliness, the safety, I make my own orgasm. Then I can let it come, because I feel safe and loved everything I missed. Then it is good, and I dare to let it come. I recognize a lot of the stories I read in your book with the shower and the hairbrush; all of this is good for getting that feeling of being safe and loved. For me, having an orgasm and a wonderful sex experience without fantasies would be like being raped. I have to make loving environments.

Real Life Sex Experience - photo 11

Real Life Sex Experience

I do not know what the future of orgasms and sex experience will be for the world, but I have an idea of what it will be for myself. What I have realized is that I have been growing up, and my body has been abused so much that I did not know the value of my body. I did not know where my boundaries were. And in all these years, I have learned more and more not to take my body for granted, but to appreciate it and be grateful for it. And now my feeling goes so deep that I wont let anybody touch my body if it does not feel quite right for me. So if I let a man hug me because I think, Well, let him hug me, OK, it is good, but if I do not want to hug that man from the core of my being, then I let myself be raped again a little bit, on an energy level.

Real Life Sex Experience - photo 12

Real Life Sex Experience

And that is what I have learned. So I gain more and more self-respect. And that is what I hope: that I love my body and myself so much that I respect it in every situation, with everyone. Whatever they think of me, whatever they say, the most important thing is that I stay true to myself. That is what I am building up in me: the loving, the safety, the trust. And I hope that I can stay increasingly true to that in the future. My dream is that we can be ourselves, in everything and at every moment that we will be able to speak openly everywhere about what we feel or have experienced. I have a dream: that one day sexual abuse wont happen anymore. That is why I started the foundation Project Speak Now, which encourages talk about abuse. I believe that being yourself in everything you feel and say is the key to overcoming such traumatic sex experience as abuse. That is why our slogan is Make your scars your stars. Sometimes even bad sex experience can teach us something.

Real Life Sex Experience - photo 13

Real Life Sex Experience

Taboos exist for protection from pain. Talking about your pain is only really effective if you also tell the details. And with sexual abuse, bad sex experience, the problem is that almost no one dares to use the words vagina, dick, rape. The media, for instance, always talk around it. What abusers really do to the children is almost never described. What happened to a child who is three or four years old. They only say, The children who are abused are from three to seven years old. I would especially like to speak about that. Because only then will people really understand why sexual abuse cuts so deeply into a persons life for so long. When describing these details, you need to go through protection areas that people build up for themselves, because sometimes it is too confronting. We protect ourselves from the pain inside. I think if we could open that up, if we could dare to show it, we could free ourselves completely. I know about women who abused their sons, or men who did that. I do not think it is a question of gender. I think it is in people. And I think that because men are a little bit more preoccupied by ego and power and status, that there is a chance that men are more likely to use, abuse, or overpower women. But I think it is inside people. It is a universal problem. I hope my sex experience will become a good lesson for someone.

Real Life Sex Experience - photo 14

Real Life Sex Experience

“Orgasm Interviews on Intimacy”
Marion Schneider

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