Wednesday, 19 Jun 2019

Ways To Cure Loneliness

Ways To Cure Loneliness

“Leaving Loneliness: A Workbook: Building Relationships with Yourself and Others” 

by David S. Narang Ph.D.

 

Ways To Cure Loneliness. Finding Your Satisfaction

You may experience frequent strong, noisy emotions. It’s going to be hard to hear your true, enduring voice, your vision, buried underneath that noisy emotional racket. Engineers call this the search for the signal in the noise. Taming those emotions on your own now and then is the key. Otherwise, if you are limited to the vision that others’ acceptance and love are what you must have to be happy and to calm those emotions, you may never move beyond that to find what satisfies you, besides emotional support. The question is, who are you? If you do not get to know yourself and invest in building that self, then there is nobody for you or others to become interested in getting to know. Hopefully that explains the need for motivation to do this work.

Ways To Cure Loneliness - photo 1

Ways To Cure Loneliness

Ways To Cure Loneliness. You must become a full person, developing both independent of and in connection to those who are close to you, in order to exist and to become a person others (and yourself) remain interested in over time. In fact, when you cool the heat of your desire to grab at others for comfort, the emotions intensified by this grasping may level off, and you can begin to see and know who you are rather than focusing solely on feeling in need. Maybe you have been acting out of desperation for so long, orienting solely toward how to gain others’ affection, such that you don’t yet know who you are. If so, don’t get lost in whipping yourself. After all, the reason you have been desperately seeking others at the expense of not developing yourself is legitimate based on your history, but it is time now to commit to taking responsibility for building more connection with who you are, even if it means being largely alone with yourself for a while.

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Ways To Cure Loneliness

Ways To Cure Loneliness. Start by focusing on calming your emotions, especially those driving you to cling to others for support. Again, it is not your fault that you cling. There are likely reasons in your history for this. It is, however, your responsibility to heal yourself, and it is primarily you who must do the work. Skillful therapists, friends and family can help a great deal, but they can never do the actual work for you; rather, they do the work with you. By chance, does it scare you or anger you, this idea of taking power over managing your emotions? In the event it does, let it scare and/or anger you, as it has scared most who were awake enough to feel the related fear of making these changes, but also cultivate a vision of becoming steady of mood and noting how it might change your experience of living, focusing in particular on the confidence that arises.

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Ways To Cure Loneliness

Ask yourself a question. Put aside in your mind any girl/guy/friend/parent figure you may currently be chasing or focused on, and instead ask yourself this: What do you want to do? Right now, what do you want to do with the next fifteen minutes, by yourself, without others? If it takes a moment for you to answer, then don’t move on until you know. Once you have got it, go do it. Until you’ve infused your beliefs and satisfactions into your life, how can you become known to yourself or to others? So please put this book down and take a moment to go do your thing for at least fifteen minutes, until you feel that you have done enough of that thing to feel satisfied.

Ways To Cure Loneliness. Pause before completion of this exercise for about fifteen minutes.

Ways To Cure Loneliness. What was it that you just did or wanted to do in those fifteen minutes?

Ways To Cure Loneliness. Did you actually do it?

If not, how did you create barriers that stopped you from doing it? What is a solution to those barriers? If you did it, how did it feel to do it? Tomorrow, if you ask yourself the same question, “What do I need to do?” there may be a different answer. The point is not “Do these several particular things, and you will be happy forever.” Rather, the point is that you must ask yourself on an ongoing basis what you truly need in a given moment in order to then provide that for yourself.

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Ways To Cure Loneliness

Ways To Cure Loneliness. Back in your daily routine, the usual painful, repetitive thoughts and feelings may plague you. Neither force the thoughts away nor roll along with the confusion or drama generated by that racket. Acknowledge that thought or feeling, touch it lightly, without putting yourself down, feeling you must solve it, or getting lost in how big the feeling seems. Instead, just acknowledge your thought or feeling and move back to what you now want to be doing for your survival, pleasure, or whatever you want to attend to (whether it’s work, listening to music, cleaning, or anything else). If that feels odd to you, try to notice that feeling too and then let it loose versus getting obsessed with it. This style of holding a thought or feeling loosely may be outside your comfort zone, and so having discomfort while holding loosely and then letting it go means that you have just done something right.

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Ways To Cure Loneliness

Ways To Cure Loneliness. Why Do I Feel Desperation and Cling to Others?

If you find yourself clinging to others in desperation, seeking their affection to the extent that you let yourself get steamrolled, or perhaps just putting yourself in the lower power positions in most of your major friendships to ensure you don’t lose them, this activity is for you. Remember a time when you were quite young (e.g., younger than ten years old, or even younger than five, if a memory is available) and desperately wanted somebody’s attention (commonly that of your parent, but perhaps someone else), and you could not get the emotional responsiveness you needed. Maybe you had been physically hurt or were very emotionally upset about something, and you needed soothing. The event may or may not have been objectively big, but your need for soothing sure was large.

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Ways To Cure Loneliness

Ways To Cure Loneliness. Get a timer or alarm (perhaps on your cell phone), set it for three minutes from now, close your eyes, and re-immerse yourself in the details of the painful thing that happened at that moment in your life and the seeking of attention or affection afterward. Keep remembering until the alarm sounds, playing the whole scene slowly, and try to remember all of the details of that event. Also include anything you saw, smelled, heard, tasted, or touched during this event (i.e., engage your senses for the sake of making the memory as vivid as possible).

Ways To Cure Loneliness. What stands out to you the most about how you felt at the time of the event?

Ways To Cure Loneliness. Coming to the present time, how did you feel just now, remembering the time when you were trying unsuccessfully to get attention and affection?

Ways To Cure Loneliness. Replay the scene again for another two minutes. If anything new stood out to you this time, write that below.

Ways To Cure Loneliness. When you sought attention and affection after the distressing situation, what response do you wish you had gotten?

Ways To Cure Loneliness. Next, speak that wished-for response you just wrote of in the question above gently and warmly to yourself. Say it a few times to yourself, and say it as if you deserve that love and warmth. Notice that nobody else can currently give you this love specifically tailored to your unmet past needs. You are uniquely able to do so.

Ways To Cure Loneliness - photo 7

Ways To Cure Loneliness

 

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4 thoughts on “Ways To Cure Loneliness

  1. In case of boredom or if I feel loneliness , I have several ways to feel better. First, I have a huge list where I record all the TV shows and movies that I wanted to watch, if I’m bored, I open it and choose the first name that comes across. If I don’t want to watch a movie, then I’m looking for salvation in handmade. When the hands are busy, the feeling of loneliness fades into the background.

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