Friday, 15 Jan 2021

Love Relationships and Dating

How to grow Dick
Love and dating.
- A man with a seven-inch (18 cm) penis may proudly compare his organ to the average man’s five to six inches (12-15 cm) but be intimidated when learning another wields an eight-inch (20 cm) rod.

Jasmin Singer (thinks she) knows a thing or two about love relationships and is baring all.

Expiration date. Sometimes even good love relationships go bad.

There are few things more painful than the bitter end of a sweet romance. You rationalize leaving, you rationalize staying, you talk your friends’ ears off about how mizerable you are, then you ultimately decide to prolong the inevitable because you’d miss the way your partner makes perfectly browned tofu scramble on chilly Sunday mornings too much to end this romp.

And your birthday is in three weeks, and it would just be depressing to be newly single for it, so maybe you can wait until after that. And, sure, things have been strained between the two of you, but they’re under a lot of pressure at work, and in the winter they’re always moody but then it passes, and anyway, “maybe they will change.” Le sigh. And then there is no time for love and dating. I’ve been there, and I know how energy-depleting that dance can be. Breaking up is indeed hard to do, but you know as well as I that staying in the wrong love relationships is ultimately harder, and it’s not really up to them to change anyway, right? Imagine if vegans took the demise of our off-center love relationships as seriously as we take food. In this groundbreaking scientific analysis, I’m laying out the most common signs that your romance is dead as a doornail, and—in the interest of appealing to your foodie sensibilities —uncovering what type of grub your relationship is. But be forewarned, this might be difficult to digest. Allow me to present:

10 Signs You’re with the Wrong Person (and 10 food equivalents to your decomposing romance)

Resentment is building.

Your love relationships is: a browning avocado that probably needs to be turned into guacamole within the next 10 minutes. And just a few days ago, it was so perfect …

Your partner regularly dismisses your feelings

Your love relationships is: a super tiny entrée at that fussy, fancy place that you had to make reservations for a month ago. It will leave you hungry and broke.

Love Relationships and Dating - photo 1

You have a well-thought-out exit plan.

Your love relationships is: empty edamame shells. All the goodness has already been sucked out (but isn’t it gross when you accidentally try to eat it anyway, only to realize there’s nothing there but someone else’s spit?).

Your partner doesn’t celebrate or support you.

Your love relationships is: a bag of Oreos. The good thing? They’re vegan. But though they might appear to be in alignment with your values, the truth is, nothing about them is good for you.

Your union feels like an obligation.

Your love relationships is: that superfood smoothie you spent too much money on because you thought it would be good for you, but lately you’ve been craving waffles.

Your shared intimacy has been overshadowed by shared stress, and you can’t seem to flip that.

Your love relationships is: mint leaves, taking over the backyard. You don’t even know where to step anymore, so you just stand still.

Love Relationships and Dating - photo 2
love relationships

Your partner sees life through the lens of negativity.

Your relationship is: purslane. At my local farmers’ market in downtown Santa Cruz, purslane is considered an omega-rich, succulent herb. But where I grew up in New Jersey, it defiantly popped up through the sidewalk cracks, and I regularly tripped on it on my way to school. Sometimes, a precious delicacy can too easily be seen as just a weed.

Your home no longer feels like a safe space to you.

Your love relationships is: a spicy bean chili that you order since they are out of your go-to veggie burger, but it doesn’t quite agree with you … and that’s putting it mildly (which is how you should have ordered it in the first place).

You are no longer growing in your relationship.

Your love relationships is: a cherry tomato plant you left on the windowsill for too long. It was green when you picked it up at Home Depot, but after a month without attention, it looks like Raisin Bran.

Love Relationships and Dating - photo 3

You no longer find solace in your together-time, and you can’t bring that up because your partner will just roll their eyes.

Your love relationships is: one pea in a pod. How’d that happen?

Here’s my disclaimer, and it’s a big one: perhaps more important than identifying the signs that prove you’re with the wrong partner—aside from ascertaining the state of their mold—is to first ask yourself if you’re in good working order. If you can’t be self-supporting, and if your tendencies sway toward codependency, then do the work you need to be able to show up for a healthy relationship.

So water your garden until it grows; you could be at the precipice of a beautiful bounty. And once it blooms, do your part to keep it alive—give it sun, and sustenance, and patience, and remember to get rid of those dastardly weeds. Should the time come when all the berries are picked and the leaves are wilted, try to find the goodness in feeding those scraps back to the earth, where they can form new roots. It will be okay. Here’s to new beginnings.

For love & veganism,

Jasmin Singer


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A Four-Inch-Long Penis Is More Than Adequate

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