Ultimate Erotic Pleasures. Hot Loving Sex
Erotic pleasures and lovemaking are special moments of romantic
Erotic pleasures and lovemaking is probably one of the most complex human processes we ever engage in. We don’t give ourselves enough credit for being able to accomplish this complicated series of actions and feelings as well as we do. Just think about it. Making love involves a sequence of highly unique behaviors, usually accompanied by an array of mixed emotions, in order to reach a greatly valued goal that we may judge ourselves by, which may or may not be achieved. What’s worse, we generally learn to do it by trial and error, without much guidance or good information.
Suppose we have two people who—aside from everything else that’s going on in their lives—repair their upsets sooner rather than later, are sensitive to each other’s bodily rhythms, and have maintained an ongoing physical intimacy with special moments of romantic and erotic playfulness.
They breathe and hold each other for a few minutes every day. They make eye contact when they talk. They sometimes disagree or get angry with each other, but they also get over it. They help each other to calm down, and they make each other laugh. They like to kiss.
What, then, can turn a comfortable moment into the “right moment”? And what can make the right moment absolutely wonderful? We’re now ready to talk about sex.
Hot and Loving Sex. Erotic Pleasures
First of all, what’s hot? If you take your cues from the movies or from pornographic videos, much of it does not represent the best of genuinely hot sex and erotic pleasures.
Sex on film is an actor’s performance of a director’s fantasy. It’s a pretense of hot that may be pretty good and arousing to watch, but it’s acting. It’s also usually a depiction of a cultural stereotype in a bed, against a wall, or the highly unlikely and overworked kitchen table. Erotic pleasures.
Real hot is less of a show. Real hot is more internal and is unchoreographed: breathing, moving, shifting energies, fast, slow, motionless, panting, holding your breath, feeling. One partner is active, the other is allowing. Top becomes bottom and bottom becomes top. It’s energized yet relaxed. More and more excitement builds internally, like rivulets of warmth spreading through the body as the muscles relax, let go, and surrender.
Erotic pleasures. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. We are about to take an unabashed view of lovemaking skills. Making love is a series of activities, each of which depends on the focused involvement, graceful movements, empathy, and generosity of the participants.
The Expanded Erotic Repertoire. Erotic Pleasures
So here we are, adults who are capable of regaining our authentic erotic nature and directing our own sexual evolution. How can body-mindfulness energize the erotic life of a committed couple?
Erotic Attunement. Erotic Pleasures
Just as holding, breathing, and looking into each other’s eyes bring two people into emotional attunement, kissing and caressing eroticizes those activities and brings them into erotic attunement. The two are communicating through nature’s own formidable martini, the biochemical cocktail in their saliva, passing varying levels of adrenaline, dopamine, oxytocin, estrogen, and testosterone back and forth. Pheromones released in their sweat are like microscopic stimulants sent through the air and drawn into the nose and passed to the brain with each breath.
Erotic pleasures. As they hold and stroke each other, the partners’ breathing patterns come into sync, and their brains and their nervous systems, both the sympathetic and the parasympathetic branches, are getting charged. They are hooking up into an interactive wireless and wordless communication.
Even when the partners are talking, it’s what their bodies are saying that counts. There’s a kind of positive emotional contagion going on: two people catching each other’s breathing rhythms and heartbeats in a sensuous, pleasurable dance that both soothes and excites. They don’t need verbal feedback to know how the other enjoys being touched in this moment, because they are in resonance and can feel it empathically. Each one is reading it in the lover’s breathing, in his or her movements and sounds, and feeling the same way.
Intensifying Erotic Pleasures
For any activity to be erotically stimulating, it has to be experienced as genitally arousing, even if the activity is nowhere near the genitals. It may start off as a kind of bioelectric buzz in the pelvic area. A man may notice his scrotum tighten as his penis stiffens. As studies show, a woman may not be as aware of her genital signals as a man is. But with bodily awareness and mindfulness, a woman will feel her clitoris throbbing or her vagina getting wet, or even her uterus tugging at her cervix. Erotic pleasures.
Erotic energy naturally ebbs and flows as the energy shifts between partners, but excitation is cumulative. After a short rest, sensations of excitement build back up quickly and grow more intensely pleasurable.
The more the excitement builds and spreads throughout the body, the greater the intensity of sensation. The more fully embodied the sexual experience, the more fulfi lling the orgasms. A person can feel turned on from the top of the head through the belly and down to the toes. Then orgasm becomes a total body release.
Building Anticipation. Erotic Pleasures.
Sex therapist and researcher Jack Morin, in his studies of peak erotic experiences, considered longing and anticipation to be erotic intensifi ers, because each emotional state can maximiz arousal and contribute to memorable sexual experiences. Both are fueled by the space between the arousal of desire and the possibility of fulfillment.
Erotic pleasures. Longing is typically more long-term, such as when the lover is absent or unavailable, and leads to prolonged and sometimes painful yearning. Anticipation is more short-term and hopeful, and the longer the feeling of eager anticipation builds, such as through fl irting or teasing, the more powerful the desire will be.
Pleasurable Wanting. Erotic Pleasures
The late psychologist Abraham Maslow, the founder of humanistic psychology, a school of thought derived from studying people who are productive and happy in their lives, would have concurred. Maslow discovered that these “self-actualizers,” as he called them, consistently enjoyed the state of need. He called it “pleasurable wanting.”
He noted that, whereas insecure or unfulfilled individuals were more likely to feel frustration when a challenge delayed reward, individuals motivated by growth more typically welcomed the postponement of gratifi cation. It’s like solving a puzzle or developing a skill: the greater the effort expended in making it happen, the greater the pleasure at its achievement. Erotic pleasures.
Pleasurable wanting during lovemaking involves the same kind of ability: allowing a need to grow stronger and stronger and relishing the craving. The higher the arousal, the more intense and prolonged the pleasure.
Pleasurable Containment. Erotic Pleasures
Enjoying pleasurable wanting is an aspect of containment: holding on to sexy feelings rather than aiming for a quick climax. You hold on to the excitement not by holding the breath and tensing the muscles of the torso, but by breathing into them and opening them. Imagine the way a balloon expands to accommodate the air you blow into it. That’s how the breath expands the body to allow the flow of blood and the felt-sense awareness of sexual desire.
Erotic pleasures. You breathe deeply and feel the movement in the chest and the rib cage, expanding the back and the torso, fi lling and releasing the belly, relaxing and warming the pelvis and the genitalia. Breathing into the sensations of arousal intensifi es the arousal.
Nongenital Stimulation. Erotic Pleasures
Taking the time to stimulate and make love to the whole body is one of the most reliable ways of intensifying sexual pleasure and increasing the likelihood of fully embodied arousal and orgasms. The best way for partners to awaken each other’s body to pleasure is to kiss and stroke unexpected areas. Loving attention may start at the face, the ears, the neck, and the shoulders. The crooks of the arms, the wrists, the hands and the fi ngers, the small of the back, behind the knees, and the ankles—areas where the blood flows close to the surface of the skin—are particularly sensitive to warm tender kisses and licking. The inner thighs, the butt, the calves, the feet, and the toes can also be highly sensitive to gentle stimulation and when given some loving treatment, can contribute enormously to each other’s excitement. Here are some more obvious examples of nongenital eroticism. Erotic pleasures.
Breast and Nipple Eroticism. Erotic Pleasures
Some of the most intimate places to touch on the human body are the breasts and nipples. Most of us grew up knowing how important “second base” was. When you “pet,” this is where sex really starts.
Erotic pleasures. It’s sexually thrilling to be an adolescent girl of fi fteen and to be kissing and getting felt up by a boy. It’s thrilling for the boy as well, who is playing with her soft nubile breasts and responsive nipples and feeling his erection.
How soon we forget. When we’re blinded by the light of hitting a “home run,” “second base” often gets a perfunctory fly-by. But this area can be a trove of erotic passions. Many women regularly incorporate nipple stimulation in their masturbation. Some have reported that they can bring themselves to orgasm just by stimulating their nipples.
A woman’s breasts, along with the muscles of the chest, can be massaged delicately and with sensitivity. They can be kissed. Nipples can be licked and sucked. Many men enjoy sensitive and sensual stimulation of their nipples and also appreciate their lovers’ attention to their chests. Erotic pleasures.
Anal Eroticism. Erotic Pleasures
The anus has a high concentration of nerve endings, shares pelvic muscles with the genitals, and contracts with the genitals during orgasm. According to the University of Chicago “Sex in America” survey, about 25 percent of men and women indicated that they had had anal intercourse in their lifetimes and more than 10 percent indicated that it was a signifi cant part of their erotic repertoire. Erotic pleasures.
Sex researcher and therapist Jack Morin, who has researched anal pleasure and health, has pointed out that anal intercourse is the least practiced form of anal eroticism. More commonly, the anal opening may be stroked during masturbation or during times of oral sex.
Erotic pleasures. Some men and women enjoy having a finger or a small dildo inserted during various sexual activities. Once a finger or dildo has been in contact with the anus, however, it should be kept out of contact with the vagina.
Morin advises that anal stimulation should be discontinued if it’s at all painful. He also suggests that the best time to explore anal pleasure is often immediately after a bath or a shower.
Naughty Fantasy and Role-Playing. Erotic Pleasures
If both partners are into it, lovers can enjoy talking sexy or makingup erotic stories to tell each other that turn up the heat. They may also create dominance and submission games to act out. There’s nothing wrong with that if both people enjoy playing this way. It doesn’t diminish your love for each other, and it’s not abnormal.
Erotic pleasures. One couple came to see me when they realized that as much as they loved each other and got along, neither of them had any interest in sex. They hadn’t had sex in more than a year, and they both missed it.
When we got into talking about some of their most erotic early experiences together, each independently came up with a scenario they had acted out in a hotel room one time when the were traveling. She had gotten into acting tough and ordering him around and making him do things to her. They both had incredible orgasms. Then they never did it again.
Erotic pleasures. What stopped them was that they both felt it was “sick” to act like that, and they had felt guilty about enjoying it. As we worked together in therapy, they saw how seriously they took a lot of things and how judgmental they were of themselves. They had both come from strict religious backgrounds and strove to be good people. As I came to know them, I saw that they were good people, not only being kind and generous to their friends and family but also donating their time to good causes.
No wonder they stopped having sex. They scared themselves. We talked about their fears, their shame, and their interpretations and how they did that in the rest of their lives as well. Erotic pleasures.
We also talked about how acting out sexy scenarios, when two people agree to play and trust each other, is just a game—an adult erotic game. It was a way in which they could lose their familiar personas and lighten up. I suggested that they make up some rules about how to play safely and then to experiment with making sex more fun. It seems to have worked wonders.
On Being a Top and a Bottom. Erotic Pleasures
The biggest complaint I hear from heterosexual men who have lost interest in sex is that the women are passive. One man complained that he was always the one to come on to his wife, and when they made love, she didn’t do much to touch or pleasure him. He thought that she took a lot more than she gave.
Some men complain that their wives or girlfriends think it’s up to the man to turn the woman on and to give her an orgasm, as though she has nothing to do with it. I’ve also heard women voice that belief.
One man told me that his girlfriend was so passive with him that he felt utterly bored with their sex. Nothing happened between them sexually that he didn’t initiate. When he told her that he would like her to be more active, she felt criticized and hurt.
Straight women also sometimes complain that the men take too much charge over what is happening sexually and there’s no room for the women. One woman told me that her husband completely takes over when they make love, and she typically feels left out. It’s as though he goes into a trance. “He can’t even seem to remember what I like,” she growled in frustration. “And we’ve been together twelve years!”
The terms top and bottom are often used to describe the more active and more passive sex partner, respectively. Sex educators Simon LeVay and Sharon Valente attribute the terms to the gay and lesbian community, in which tops are considered to be the partners who assume the dominant role and bottoms are submissive. This typecasting can be very limiting. One gay man came to see me after he and his partner broke up after four years together.He was mournful, but he said they never had sex. They were both tops.
Erotic pleasures. A woman in a ten-year relationship with another woman described her partner as a perpetual bottom, and she was getting tired of doing all of the work in sex. “I’m not as butch as I look,” she said, “and sometimes I’d love to lie back and play femme.”
LeVay and Valente cite evidence to show that since the 1970s and the early years of the gay liberation movement, gays and lesbian have been discovering the limitations of those terms. The researchers suggest that it was a way for the community to conform to traditional gender roles. Although some may still refer to themselves with these terms, surveys show that gay sex is, in reality, more versatile and that compatible partners typically switch between being dominant and being receptive.
With my gay male client, the fact that he and his partner were both tops was actually just a small part of why they broke up after four years. As he refl ected on their relationship, he saw that they were infl exible with each other in many other ways as well. Erotic pleasures.
Heterosexual partners also benefi t from diversifying. The most exciting sexual activity occurs between partners who take turns being active and passive. In that way, the one on the bottom gets to relax and surrender to the pleasures of receiving. Then, infused with energy, he or she rolls on top and gets to be the giver.
For the man who was disappointed in the routine maledominant sex with his passive girlfriend, we looked at how he had approached her. He was angry, he said, and he let her know it. I could hear the resentment in his voice, so I understood how she might feel criticized and hurt. I suggested that he try a more playful approach.
Erotic pleasures. A week later he had some good news. One night when they were kissing he pulled her on top of him and whispered in her ear, “Come on, gorgeous, show me who’s boss.” He said she looked at him in surprise. But when he smiled and whispered the words again while gently sucking her earlobe, she began to bounce on him, and they both laughed. It was a great moment, he said, tha turned very hot soon after that. Once again, sweet and friendly is the best message.
Masterful Lovemaking. Erotic Pleasures
Those who take pride in their lovemaking know that direct genital stimulation is best left for last. It’s only when other parts of the body have been fully aroused that skilled lovers turn their attention to maximizing genital pleasures. Studies have shown that building anticipation and longing for genital touch is one of the most effective ways to intensify sexual excitement and orgasmic release.
Erotic pleasures. We’re now ready to go for the ultimate pleasures two people can experience with each other.
Genital Stimulation. Erotic Pleasures
Genitals are like snowflakes: no two are alike. What turns us on and gets us off is completely subjective and individualistic. The best sex expert on how to stimulate your partner’s genitals is your partner.
Erotic pleasures. During lovemaking is generally not a good time to be giving or taking verbal instructions—unless, of course, it’s done in a sexy and appreciative way that can make the moment even hotter. Otherwise, I tell people to talk it over later.
Even better, I recommend doing a “dry run”: get sexy together in a playful way specifically for the purpose of sharing favorite hot spots on the body and your preferred ways of moving and being touched. You never know—some dry runs have pleasantly unintended consequences.
The major practices of direct genital stimulation are frottage, hand skills, oral skills, and penetration. All of these natural sexual activities can be developed and refined for maximum pleasure and emotional connection. All it takes is consistent practice. Erotic pleasures.
Frottage. Erotic Pleasures
Frottage, or dry humping, is essentially two people rubbing genitals together, with or without clothing, as a way to build sexual excitement or to achieve orgasm without penetration. It’s an early favorite of adolescents and a popular form of arousal and release among lesbians and gay men. Erotic pleasures.
According to Urbandictionary.com, frottage has become more prevalent among singles due to the increased awareness of sexually transmitted diseases. Subtle forms of frottage between dancing partners are reported to be occurring more frequently at music concerts and nightclubs.
Erotic pleasures. Frottage can be very hot, even for long-term couples. Like everything else, nuanced frotting involves skill and improves with practice.
Hand Skills. Erotic Pleasures
Developing skills during solo eroticism can help in learning to give your partner pleasure. With empathic attunement to a partner’s response, skilled hands and fi ngers can be especially adept at intensifying sexual pleasure without aiming for release. Erotic pleasures.
Oral Skills. Erotic Pleasures
Cunnilingus and fellatio as part of the erotic repertoire apparently go way back in history. Despite the typical nonsexual translation of the biblical book Song of Songs (also called Song of Solomon) some references suggest that the tenth-century poem’s lines that describe the princess’s navel as a rounded “goblet that never lacks blended wine” is more likely an allusion to sipping at her vagina. Fellatio has been depicted in scenes on ancient Greek and Peruvian ceramics and in erotic temples in India that go as far back as 1200 BC. Erotic pleasures.
The Egyptian goddess of magic and fertility, Isis, is said to have restored the god-king Osiris back to life by gathering up his body parts, which had been strewn throughout the land of Egypt after a battle. Failing to find his penis, which had been swallowed by a fish, she fashioned one out of clay, and putting it to her lips, she blew life into it. Could this be an ancient derivation of the term blow job?
Erotic pleasures. Nowadays, oral sex has been reported to be prevalent among young teenagers. Ironically, many don’t consider it to be sex, and therefore they see it as an act that can be performed without sacrificing virginity.
Giving and receiving “head” or going down on each other is probably one of the most enjoyable sexual activities for both men and women. Erotic pleasures.
Penetrating Options. Erotic Pleasures
There are many different kinds of penetration. Both a man and a woman may be penetrated with fi ngers, a tongue, or a dildo and experience intense orgasms and emotional connection with a partner.
Erotic pleasures. The term penetration can refer to heterosexual intercourse as well as gay and lesbian sex. Although this discussion at times specifically addresses penis-vagina intercourse, much of it also holds for the sexual activities of same-sex lovers.
Whether you call it coitus, intercourse, fucking, banging, balling, or getting lucky, penetration is what most people really think of when they talk about making love. Much has already been written about how to do it and the variety of positions to maneuver, replete with drawings or photographs.
Erotic pleasures. From a body-mind perspective, three aspects of penetration bear emphasis: entry, internal movements, and tempo.
Entry. Erotic Pleasures. For lovers, entry is a defi ning moment. When to insert the penis takes physiological readiness, signs of assent, and physical cooperation on both sides. At its best, it is a moment of high erotic attunement, communicating through breath and sighs, eye contact, vocal sounds, kisses, responsiveness to touch, and rhythmic movements of the torso and pelvis.
I’ve heard women say that how their lovers enter them is a turnoff. If a man is too forceful, pushes too hard, or pinches her skin, it can be a painful or anxious moment for both. That’s why relaxing and taking your time to be erotically attuned at that moment is so important. Erotic pleasures.
Lubrication is crucial for smooth entry, and if the body doesn’t lubricate suffi ciently, there’s nothing wrong with adding a lubricant. A number of commercial and healthy products are available; however, if you use condoms, choose carefully, because oil-based lubricants can weaken latex and cause the condom to tear. I think saliva is the best lubricant because it’s always handy wherever you are and can be easily applied with a tongue or moistened fingers.
Internal movements. Erotic Pleasures. These are the movements made once you have achieved entry. The emphasis in the literature on sexual position is related to the fact that different positions stimulate different sensations and orgasms of different intensities or qualities. Two people who breathe, relax, and stay engaged can explore different movements together that can generate a high degree of passion and thrilling sensations. They can hold a deep penetration and make grinding movements, point the penis up, to one side and then the other, and slide along the bottom wall of the vagina. Each angle feels distinctive and special.
Tempo. Erotic Pleasures. Rhythm is another critical factor for changing the variety of orgasmic sensations. Sometimes intercourse is deliberate, with both partners focused as the well-lubricated penis glides millimeter by millimeter along the walls of the vagina. In the spirit of fitness, I think of this as full range of motion or slow-and-easy sex. Other times intercourse is fast and hard—what might be considered cardio sex. Studies have shown multiple fitness benefi ts from the exercise in an athletic style of lovemaking.
Mutual Orgasms. Erotic Pleasures
Like every other aspect of our growing selves, with skill and mindfulness, orgasms with a partner can also evolve. Erotic pleasures.
When most people think of orgasm, they think of it as the pinnacle of sex and the end of the lovemaking. It’s followed by the proverbial slow draw of success on a cigarette, or maybe the “afterglow,” lying bonded in mutual exhaustion in eachother’s arms.
Erotic pleasures. Still, that doesn’t have to be the end of sex. The most intense pleasures can come after the first orgasm. Orgasms can come in multiples and, with profi ciency, one orgasm can be a harbinger of more intense orgasms to come, each with its own unique set of sensations and moments of excitation and abandonment. To attain this quality of orgasmic experience, lovers can practice achieving a quality of erotic attunement with each other in which minds, hearts, and bodies are totally in sync.
Orgasms with Heart. Erotic Pleasures.
With all this kissing and touching, warm lingering gazes, relaxing and breathing deeply, two people who love each other will beable to feel sensations of love in their hearts. The unmistakable felt-sense of love is experienced as a kind of swelling or glowing sensation in the chest.
Alexander Lowen, a student of Wilhelm Reich and the founder of bioenergetics, cited evidence to show that in both men and women, a lack of emotional satisfaction during sex is statistically associated with a greater incidence of coronary disease and heart attacks. Lowen referred to climaxes as being full-hearted, halfhearted, or having very little heart, and he suggested that when the heart is open and in touch with love, an individual can have a full-body orgasm that “embraces the heart and approaches the ecstatic.” That’s what I call a heartgasm.
Erotic pleasures. In studies, both sexes identified emotional satisfaction—qualities like a partner’s warmth and closeness—as even more critical than orgasm to feel fulfi lled in sex. Naturally, it’s nice to have both.
Two people in loving erotic attunement are fully present in their bodies and focused on their love. They’re “into” each other, and they can feel it. It shows in their eyes when they look at each other. Their hearts are pumping, sometimes with a slow steady pounding, sometimes with a fast skipping beat. As their bodies surrender into the excitement, blood flows freely through their bellies and into the pelvic areas, heightening genital excitement. Erotic pleasures.
Ecstasy: Magical Sex and Erotic Pleasures
Every once in a while, all the elements just seem to mesh perfectly, and the sex is magical. Maybe you have been away from each other and have longed to be together. Maybe your partner did something especially tender, and you’re in touch with powerful feelings of love and gratitude. Your lovemaking feels beautiful, smooth, and natural. You’re both on the same wavelength, moving in rhythm, making breathy, passionate sounds as your hearts fi ll with love. When you start to climax, the orgasms fl ow one after another and spread throughout your entire body. You completely surrender, abandoning yourself to this exquisite moment. The boundary between you and your partner seems to melt, and you are soaring through space, one-body boundless, in touch with the eternal. You are experiencing an altered state of consciousness.
Erotic pleasures. It’s been called knock-your-socks-off sex, peak sex, sacred sex, and cosmic orgasm. When it just happens, it’s very special. The high can last for weeks, with repercussions that may last a lifetime.
Canadian author and yoga scholar Georg Feuerstein sent out questionnaires and studied the fi rst-person accounts of men and women who had had extraordinary, mystical, or transcendent experiences during sex. His respondents overwhelmingly described experiences resulting in psychological or spiritual breakthroughs that healed feelings of guilt, shame, and fear and that expanded their creativity, compassion, and ability to love.
For those seeking a more deliberate method to achieving a transcendent state through sexual ecstasy, there are various paths. Tantric yoga, with both Buddhist and Hindu branches, is thought to have originated more than fi ve thousand years ago, and today it is probably the most widespread spiritual sexual system still practiced. Erotic pleasures.
Traditionally, Tantra is a set of rituals two people practice together in a state of stillness and relaxed concentration that begins with honoring each other and the male and female principle—Shiva and Shakti—within them. In a very distilled version of a basic practice, tantric initiates sit cross-legged opposite each other and engage in gazing at each other and matching breaths. When the man is erect, they engage in yabyum, a sexual position in which the woman sits on the man, inserts his penis into her vagina, and crosses her legs around his waist. The traditional practice is for the man to maintain an erection with minimal movement while reserving his ejaculation.
Modern-day Tantra, or neo-Tantra, has grown increasingly popular for those who value the spiritual dimensions of sex. Sex researcher and therapist Gina Ogden advocates the use of some of the tantric rituals for couples who want to move beyond physical sensation and into the realm of higher consciousness.
Erotic pleasures. In these Eastern-inspired practices, sex becomes a form of worship. The couple stays focused and attentive and engages in a variety of breathing and gazing practices, including penetration without thrusting. Once again, we can see the principle of containment at work. As Ogden describes it, both the man and the woman learn to delay orgasm in order to enter “a state of shared physical and spiritual bliss.”
A woman with a strong PC muscle may also be able to contract and relax her vagina around the man’s penis in a motion that can give them both enormous pleasure. The practice, known as pompoir, or “playing the fl ute,” can be traced back to a sixteenthcentury Indian text in which it was considered an important part of a woman’s training to be a wife.
Erotic pleasures. A woman with the ability to grip the penis and to make rippling and milking contractions with her vagina is called a kabazzah. The man is to remain completely passive as the woman sits on his erect penis, moving only the muscles of her vagina in an action similar to milking a cow.
Exploring the Erotic Spectrum. Erotic Pleasures
I hope I have conveyed the vast spectrum of erotic experiences that can be savored and cultivated. It’s like developing a taste for classical music or jazz or becoming an artist or an athlete: it’s all about honing a set of skills that can grow over the years. Erotic pleasures.
There’s nothing wrong with married sex in bed at night when both people enjoy it as a way to end the day and fall sleep. But as a steady diet, it loses its zest. If year after year, fast food were all you ate, you’d likely lose your appetite. We deserve fi ne dining at least once in a while.
The time devoted to sharing love and intimate pleasures gives many rewards. When two people are fully present with each other and explore the heights and the depths of physical and emotional pleasure, it’s enormously bonding. Everybody knows that it’s good for a relationship, but it’s also good for each individual. When you’re in your body, relaxing and breathing and allowing yourself to feel pleasure, it’s personally freeing. Wonderful sex lightens people up. Instruction elaborates on these activities and offers intimate experiments to enjoy with your partner.
Instruction: Masterful Lovemaking. Erotic Pleasures
Objective: To practice exchanging a wide assortment of empathic and erotically attuned genital pleasures with a lover
Erotic pleasures. Genitals—female and male alike—are delicate and deserve to be approached with respect, even if you like to play rough. The skin in the vagina and on the penis is thin and fragile. The gonads in both sexes, the ovaries and the testes, hurt when thumped. Sudden grabs to the area automatically make people flinch—not the response anyone wants from a lover.
Lovers can build excitement by moving in on each other slowly and mindfully, teasing and making the other yearn to be touched. Once genital contact is made and feels safe, that area can begin to let go, become engorged, and radiate sexual energy. The following are a range of activities to explore with your lover.
Frottage. Erotic Pleasures
Lovers brush or rub genitals, often while fully or partially clothed. It can be done lying down, while dancing, or standing and is one of the best uses of a bare wall as a sexual prop. It’s about how you look at each other as you press into each other, how you change rhythms as your excitement grows. All of it is like a fi nely executed dance that can be very hot. Erotic pleasures.
Hand Skills on a Man. Erotic Pleasures
Speaking in the vernacular, a hand job for a man is more than simply jerking off. For one thing, the goal is not necessarily for him to ejaculate—it’s to stimulate and to give erotic pleasures.
- Forming a sheath with a lubricated hand and fi ngers and slowly sliding it up and down the shaft of the penis—giving special attention to the coronal ridge and to the head of the penis—can be especially pleasurable.
- The sounds of a man’s breaths, as the lover changes rhythms or gently caresses his scrotum and other parts of his body, give clues as to what is most exciting and erotic to him.
Hand Skills on a Woman. Erotic Pleasures
The term fingering is typically used when applied to a woman, but a woman can enjoy a genital massage beyond just having fingers stroking her clitoris or inserted into her vagina. Recall that the clitoris is more than just the pea-shaped glans. The shaft of the clitoris runs under the pubic bone and the wishbone-like legs, or crura, run alongside the vaginal opening. Erotic pleasures.
- Gently squeezing and tugging at the vulva will stimulate a woman’s entire clitoral organ and can be especially exciting for her.
- When well-lubricated fi ngers of one hand are inserted into a woman’s vagina, they can add to the pleasure felt while her clitoris is being stimulated with the other hand.
- A lover can experiment with moving at different angles, pressing in different directions, or holding the fi ngers all the way in and grinding, always being sensitive to the partner’s sighs and moans.
- The G spot or a vaginal orgasm may be stimulated through inserting one or two fi ngers inside a woman and making a come-hither movement along the front wall of the vagina.
Oral Skills. Erotic Pleasures
For some partners, taking a bath or washing the whole pelvic area before engaging in oral sex makes the experience more pleasant. In developing oral skills, the giver can use the lips, the mouth, and the tongue creatively to kiss, lick, and gently suck the genital area. Erotic pleasures.
- Men often enjoy their lovers’ hands on the penis and testes while being stimulated by the mouth.
- Some women enjoy having the tongue inserted into the vagina or having one or two fi ngers inserted while the clitoris is licked and sucked.
- A woman may relish having her first release as a clitoral orgasm through oral sex, which may then enhance her ability to enjoy vaginal orgasms through penetration.
- A man may be able to withhold his ejaculation for the duration, or he may ejaculate and rebuild his excitement by staying erotically and energetically connected.
Penetration. Erotic Pleasures
For many couples, this is the high point of their sex play, the intermingling of the bodies, the ultimate union. When the energy has been supported through continued breathing, and they’ve stayed sexy, playful, and tuned in to each other, their bodies are in a state of relaxed and energized arousal.
Erotic pleasures. If a man is in good health and capable of an erection, a valuable skill to develop is the ability to maintain his erection long enough to experience a variety of activities and pleasures. The key here is to recognize the point just prior to ejaculation and to stop and relax.
Containing the excitement by breathing into and expanding tense torso and pelvic muscles allows blood fl ow and reduces the pressure to discharge the energy. This skill can be practiced and developed during masturbation.
Lovers can vocalize their readiness for intercourse or give each other signs through their breathing or eye contact or how they position themselves vis-à-vis the other to show that they are ready.
Skills to hone for both people during penetration include how to enter or receive your lover, how to move, and how to vary the tempo. Erotic pleasures.
ENTRY. Erotic Pleasures
Naturally, both people have to be ready, and the whole area of entry and what’s being inserted both have to be fully lubricated. The one who will be entered needs to relax and to be open and welcoming. Erotic pleasures.
- The best way for a man to contain his excitation and maintain his erection is to enter gradually and deliberately and to breathe. This is a delicate moment and a time to be mindful and engaged with your lover.
- Breathe deeply and fully, moving chest and torso, feeling the belly and the pelvic area opening and relaxing. Move slowly and stay attuned to the moment of joining.
- A woman who tends to take a passive role in receiving a man may enjoy experimenting with becoming the more active lover during entry, positioning herself to take him into her slowly by sitting on top and guiding him in.
- Since both the introitus and the coronal ridge are the most sensitive areas of the vagina and the penis, respectively, lovers may play at partially inserting and pulling out slowly several times before full penetration. This action may also have the effect of increasing the lubrication between them.
INTERNAL MOVEMENTS. Erotic Pleasures
When lovers stay erotically engaged and relaxed, they may be able to maintain penetration for quite a while—fifteen, twenty, thirty minutes, or longer. What are they doing with each other all that time? Erotic pleasures.
- Tiny motions. Lovers can relax into each other’s arms and legs and savor the moment of fully entering and fully receiving the other. Focus your attention on where you are joined together; breathe and feel. This is a good time to kiss and caress and make very small internal movements of pelvis-to-pelvis communication. Slow thrusts. The erect penis can slide low along the bottom of the vaginal canal or point up left or right. It can tap and bump the cervix lightly, or it can stay fully inserted and be stirred around in deep inner circles. All of it can feel different and exciting to both lovers.
- Deep penetration and grinding. For many women, this pattern is a sure bet for orgasm. It consists of thrusting in as deeply as is comfortable for both, pressing and holding the penis in, and making small grinding motions. However, the penis can also “kick” a woman’s gonads and cause pain. For these reasons, the woman may need to control the movement until the man comprehends where to aim and how deeply she can tolerate him.
- Pompoir. A woman with a strong PC muscle may also be able to contract and relax her vagina around the man’s penis in a gripping and milking motion that can give both of them pleasure. Practice your Kegels to develop these sexy skills.
TEMPO. Erotic Pleasures
One of the great ways in which the right music can inspire a sexual connection is that as with dance, a strong rhythm section benefi ts sexual movements. Erotic pleasures.
- Slow and easy—full range of motion. Slow and deliberate allows you to attain complete penetration. This way of moving together permits lovers the greatest opportunity to eroticize the primal intimacies of holding, stroking, breathing together, eye gazing, and deep kissing.
- Fast and hard—cardio sex. As men approach orgasm, they are likely to speed up their thrusting movements to the point of ejaculation. Some women have vaginal orgasms during hard pumping, and when they do, the gushing fl uid that often accompanies these kinds of orgasms keeps the vagina very wet and adds to the excitement of the moment.
- Blended patterns. When lovers want to extend their lovemaking and provide time for a variety of orgasms, the best way is to alternate slow and easy with fast and hard. That way you can slow down and catch your breath, kiss, talk, touch, and build up another head of steam to usher in yet another level of pleasure.
EVOLVING YOUR ORGASMS. Erotic Pleasures
Typically, an orgasm is considered the big fi nish, the climax that everyone aims for that signals the end of the sex. But an orgasm can be just the beginning of yet another level of passion and fulfi llment. What does it take to enhance your orgasms? Erotic pleasures. Here are some of the most essential qualities:
- You have to be willing to have more. You may be quite satisfi ed with the quality of your orgasms and not want to do anything different, and that’s fi ne. You may fi nd that your orgasms spontaneously evolve anyway. But if you do want more, you have to stay engaged and make time for it.
- You can’t force an orgasm. If you tense your pelvic muscles, you may be able to pop out an orgasm, but it won’t be much of a release. Relax and let it happen. The best orgasms build slowly and are completely spontaneous.
- Breathe deeply. Sighing and panting fi lls the chest and back and allows feelings of love. Diaphragmatic breathing opens the belly and the genitals and allows feelings of trust. For the man whose heart beats very fast at the point of entry: stop moving and breathe into your chest until your heart calms down. Look into your lover’s eyes and take the time to kiss and relate.
- Slow down to upgrade your lovemaking. Practice shifting from being active to passive to active again—from being a sensitive-intuitive top to becoming a receptive-responsive bottom. When you feel your lover building toward orgasm, don’t stop or change what you’re doing. Maintain a steady movement and rhythm.
- Enjoy simultaneous orgasms. For heterosexual couples, the most reliable way for two people to orgasm at the same time is if the woman is capable of multiple orgasms and the man is capable of containing his ejaculation. If she orgasms first and he sustains his erection, she can have several orgasms. When he is ready to ejaculate, they will naturally come together.
- The best orgasms of all end with feelings of love and connection. Stay engaged. Hold each other, kiss, breathe together, and feel grateful to have this very special kind of love.
“The Heart of Desire”
Keys to the Pleasures of Love
Stella Resnick, PHD